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That isn’t the “freedom” our community fought for.īut neither do we need moralising from high horses, homophobic or otherwise. We need to recognise and highlight the culture of sexual assault and violence that exists in our community, as it does in others, and hold perpetrators to account. Drugs, darkness and the thrill of the moment are no excuse for exploiting vulnerable men. LGBTQ+ spaces away from drugs and alcohol are also sorely needed, as are effective mental and sexual health services.Īt the same time, predatory gay men need to take responsibility for their actions. Community support, once publicly funded and now decimated by local government cuts, would be another useful step. Of course, it is possible to tackle these problems: the introduction of same-sex sex education in schools would be a start. Reckless behaviour in adulthood can be linked to self-hatred, abuse and violence – it’s a coping mechanism in a world that continues to see us as victimised, isolated and abused. Casual sex is all well and good, but these interactions don’t teach teenagers about intimacy and relationships. The number of crimes reported as a result of online hookups is rising. Some men feel a sense of entitlement when you turn up at their door with a single, prearranged purpose. Apps have provided a way to find partners away from nightlife, but these hookups aren’t always safe and forgiving environments either. Having no recollection of who you had sex with, or where, means you may not have had the capacity to consent in the first place.įor younger gay men, the landscape is changing: the internet has revolutionised how we look for sex. It’s not just gay men who have woken up next to someone they barely remember taking home, but when there are multiple sexual partners involved – in drug-filled rooms and dark, public spaces – the risks are multiplied. For most of us, there were few other places to turn. Unlike our straight counterparts, however, it’s often only in bars and clubs that many gay men learn the rituals of love, sex and seduction – having to come out, rather than your sexual identity be seen as normal, means many of us do not innocently experiment and reflect during adolescence. It’s would be easy to write this off as universal of course, heterosexuals also get wasted and look for sexual partners under the cover of night.
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Is taking a step into such a dark room consent to all sexual contact? Can two (or more) people consent to sex when they’re both off their face? Is whispering “do what you want with me” a green light for whatever happens next? When others join in – do they need explicit permission – what if you don’t even notice? There aren’t necessarily right or wrong answers to all of these questions, but in the context of #MeToo these are conversations that need to be had. Gay and bisexual men are seven times more likely to use illegal drugs, according to a 2012 study, and twice as likely to binge drink than heterosexual men. Much of gay dating revolves around hookups and clubs fuelled by alcohol and drugs. It’s not just gay men who have woken up next to someone they barely remember taking home When it comes to consent, though, the situation is more complex.
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To the uninitiated, the concept is simple: it’s a room in a club, it’s dark and you have sex. Take, for instance the “dark room” – a space few people will speak of outside the confines of the gay scene’s sweaty, hedonistic heart. When the types of intimacy we engage in deviate from “lights off, in bed, with a long-term monogamous partner every other Friday” – which, of course, can have its own problems – it’s not an act of betrayal to point out that there are more opportunities for things to go wrong. To criticise now how some of our sexual practices have developed bears a risk: the bigots will say they were right all along, and our sexual relationships will be further stigmatised.īut fear is no excuse for avoiding difficult questions. It wasn’t long ago that our relationships were looked down on by both society and the state, with our sex lives taboo and criminalised. For many young gay men, the boundaries and the logistics of sexual contact are an unknown. Inclusive same-sex education in schools isn’t mandatory, being LGBTQ+ doesn’t often run in the family, and there are fewer role models to learn from.
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The conversation around consent for gay men has been stifled: most of us were never taught the language with which to explain or understand the experiences of our youth.